Good Riddance 2011…. and welcome 2012!

With a little more than two full days of this year left, I look to 2012 with hope and promise. It’s been a tough year for Mark and I, as well as for many of our friends, family, and co-workers.

I see no reason to rehash all the trials and tribulations that I (and those around me) have experienced. It would be too depressing. Instead I will do a recap of them:

• The loss of beloved pets (RIP Virgil, Cody, Princess, Cuddie, and all the rest of the fur children who passed away this year)
• Financial issues and debt
• Unemployment (or cutbacks such as no raises, less benefits, etc.)
• Staring illness and disease right in the face
• Death
• Car problems
• Bad landlords
• Troubled children
• Rotten exes who derive pleasure from hurting others
• Aging parents
• Drugs and alcohol abuse
• Dishonesty in a relationship
• Hurricane Irene and other natural disasters that caused flooding, loss of homes and power, and death

2011 also brought about some scandals such as:

• Charlie Sheen’s very public meltdown
• Arnold Schwarzenegger fathers a love child – Maria Shriver files for divorce
• Conrad Murray found responsible for Michael Jackson’s death
• Anthony Weiner tweets his way right out of office
• Pizza Mogul and Presidential Nominee Herman Cain halts campaign after allegations of sexual harassment and an extramarital affair
• The break up of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
• Sex abuse at Penn State
• Federal prosecutors will try former presidential candidate John Edwards for using campaign funds to hide his pregnant mistress, Rielle Hunter.

We said goodbye to quite a few of the rich and (infamous):

• Amy Winehouse
• Clarence Clemons
• Elizabeth Taylor
• Steve Jobs
• Jack LaLanne
• Andy Rooney
• Harry Morgan
• Dr. Jack Kevorkian
• Jeff Conaway
• Heavy D
• Peter Falk
• Betty Ford
• Jackie Cooper
• Sargent Shriver
• Joe Frazier
• Geraldine Ferraro
• Knut, the Polar Bear
• Randy “Macho Man” Savage

We also saw a lot of things happen this year, and it was all captured by the media. Some of the news was good. Some was bad. Some of it was just rammed down our throats until we wanted to scream. Yet, it all happened, and it will now go down in the history books. There’s some of the top stories of 2011:

• The death of Osama Bin Laden
• The death of a Libyanleader Moammar Gadhafi
• The U.S. Economy (foreclosures, unemployment, and cutbacks! Oh my!)
• Casey Anthony Trial
• The Royal Wedding
• Japan’s earthquake and tsunami
• Somalia Famine
• The Crisis of the Euro
• The death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il
• Occupy Wall Street Protests
• Charla Nash reveals her new face after a transplant
• U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords and eighteen other people were shot during a public meeting near Tucson, Arizona

Yet with all of the tragedy, mayhem, death, and scandal that happened in 2011, ringing in the New Year still elicits optimism in so many people. It’s the opportunity to have a fresh start in any area of your life. It’s a time to ditch the bad habits, and begin with a brand spanking new healthy and positive attitude.

Just so you know, I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I stopped that practice about 15 years ago. I would buckle down for 2-3 weeks trying to fulfill every (unrealistic) goal that I made. I’d eat fruits and vegetables until I almost gagged at the sight of them. I would drink 8 glasses (or more) of water a day, and then frantically hunt for a restroom. I would vow to watch less television, stay off the computer, get in contact with old friends, and file and organize all those piles of papers. The treadmill would actually get used for something other than a clothes rack. I budgeted my money, made sure that I was on time for each and every appointment, and I scheduled all my doctor appointments for annual checkups.

After about a month… maybe 6 weeks if I was very fortunate, I’d find myself weary of trying to be the “perfect me”. I was sick of the healthy food and the mundane routine. Exhaustion set in from organizing and cleaning up after myself. I was starving to death, and ice cream and potato chips were shrieking out my name. My leg muscles hurt from exercise, and I had no place to hang my clothes.

Like most other people who make resolutions, I would proudly admit defeat. I am who I am. I’m a slob. I love junk food. Organization has never (and will never be) my strong point. I will always leave a trail behind me — crumbs or piles of “stuff”. I’ll never be on time for everything, and it’s foolish for me to even try. Calendars, smartphones, day planners, and computers are not guarantees that I will remember an appointment, a birthday or anniversary, or even what day it is. Maybe I’ve got a touch of Attention Deficit Disorder. Maybe I just don’t care enough to push myself to the brink of perfection.

So with all of that said, here is my wish for the New Year.

I wish for good health, joy, love, and peace. I wish this for myself. I wish it for those I love and care about. I wish it for everyone because we all deserve nothing less than this!

The distinct smell of cologne…

As I stepped out of my car into my driveway, I got the very strong and distinct smell of a man’s cologne. It was not offensive, but it was as if someone had just applied cologne and walked right by me. I walked to the curb to bring in the garbage can, and the smell lessened. I admit that I was a bit perplexed. There were no packages on my front porch. No menus or flyers were hanging from my door knob. The mail had not yet been delivered. I chalked it up to it being the utility men (gas or water) who had walked through my front yard while reading my meters.

A few minutes later, I opened my side door and walked out into my fenced in back yard to let Belle out. As I stepped out, I was again hit with the same cologne that I smelled in my front yard. I walked around the yard and the smell was very strong on my patio and near my back door. It was not lawn service day. The gate was still locked.

I walked around my house and saw no evidence of someone trying to get into my home. No screens were damaged. I was not sure what to make of the strong smell in my back yard.

I told Mark about the smell. He didn’t think that anyone had been in our yard or had tried to scope out our house. He thought it might be a neighbor’s cologne. He tends to think that I am paranoid about break ins.

Perhaps I am paranoid. I opted for a security system here because we have a two story home, and while we were upstairs sleeping, it is completely possible for someone to break in.

In the past year, our township has reported a series of burglaries in the area. My next door neighbor’s home was one of the casualties. The burglar broke a window and ruined a screen. She had no security system, and it is believed that he got scared off by something before he actually got into the house. Other homes in the area have been burglarized. There is little information about the burglaries. I only learned about the rash of burglaries because we got a Code Red Alert call.I got the news about the next door neighbor from my neighbor’s daughter!

Call me paranoid, but I know what I smell! Someone WAS in my yard.

Dreams of Retirement!

Retirement…..

Aah, I remember how excited my parents were when they retired. They had worked all their adult lives so that they could live a life of relaxation without the routine. My parents had saved for their future, and they had a plan to reach their desired goals.

Lake Murray, Columbia, SC

What did they do? They sold their house in Central New Jersey, and they moved to Florida. They purchased a smaller home for which they paid cash so as to avoid a mortgage payment. They lived in comfort until the end of their days.

That’s what Mark and I want…. and MORE!

When we retire, we’d like to:

• Move out of New Jersey
• Live somewhere with a warmer climate
• Purchase a smaller home (most likely a condominium)
• Purchase a Boat (cruiser that we can travel on comfortably)
• Be debt-free
• Save more money and increase our retirement funds
• Live comfortably, happily, and healthily.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” – Victor Hugo

I know that obstacles will stand before us, but if we push forward, we can achieve our retirement goals. It will take some hard work, sacrifice, and good planning, but I do believe that we can be free to live our … American Dream.

Mark’s Mac saved my @$$..

Well, tonight was a complete and total waste of three hours! Yikes, sometimes computers are more trouble than they are worth! So what happened, you ask?

I went to a client’s website to get someone’s email address, and guess what? It installed some UGLY malware onto my computer! Ugh!! UGH!!! Can I say UGH again? It was some nasty software called Vista Internet Security 2012. I am very well-versed in computers, and I can usually tell a phishing scam or spot a bogus download. This one ALMOST had me fooled. Almost! But I am willing to bet money that it would have fooled someone who was not as computer and internet savvy.

The window that popped up looked exactly like the Windows Security Center. I just happened to know that it was not called “Vista Internet Security” and nothing on my computer runs 2012 software! I tried to run Malwarebytes Anti-Malware, but it would not load the program. I tried to get on the internet to Google this “supposed software”, but it was blocked! That is never a good sign!! Can I say it again? UGH!

Luckily Mark’s trusty Mac was next to him. He offered to let me research this nasty software that had invaded my laptop! I was able to find the solution on a tech forum that I frequent. I downloaded the files that they suggested, and I put them on my flash drive.

I used the Mac to follow the instructions while I ran the programs that the tech forum had me download.

It took THREE DARN HOURS to fix it, but thanks to Mac… I’m up and running again! It’s been an annoying night, but the problem APPEARS to be solved. I can access the task manager, Malwarebytes, Windows Security System, and the internet.

I hate malware and spyware and crapware and spyware. I don’t quite get the concept of why people create it. I guess that they were hoping I would click on the links and purchase their software. Well, it didn’t happen. But sadly I am sure that many other people were not so fortunate. But I suppose that is what keeps the companies who fix computers in business. It’s what makes the world go around.

What should someone learn from my experience? Well, I would say ALWAYS question things. If possible, Google it if you are not sure. Chances are someone else has experienced the same, or a similar, problem! Never click on links if you don’t know what it is!  These two pointers could save you a lot of time and money that would come from restoring your system, taking your PC to a doctor, and/or replacing it.

And most importantly, READ! Knowledge is power! Reading and learning about all of this boring techy stuff is what has saved my computer (and the computers of others in my life) from total annihilation!!

Oh and most importantly, I give a HUGE shout out to Mark and his Mac. Mark always remains calm in irritating situations, and he keeps me calm. And his Mac saved me the hassle of dealing with my office PC and lugging everything upstairs. I appreciate my husband more than words can say…. I have a WHOLE new appreciation for his Mac…

BlackBerry!! CrackBerry!

In the not too distant past, my BlackBerry Tour got sick! I was playing a game of Scrabble when suddenly the Trackball would not move in the down scrolling position! It would scroll left. It would scroll right. And it would scroll up! It would not scroll down! I thought to myself, “This was BAD!”  How would I read email if I couldn’t scroll down!? How could I text? How would I post a Facebook status update or read posts from my friends?

I tried home remedies to fix it! I pulled out my battery and rebooted my phone. That didn’t work. I tried the canned air to blow out any dust bunnies that might have made a home inside my phone. That failed too! I took a cotton swab dipped in alcohol and attempted to clean the trackball with the hope that it would fix this little hiccup.

My poor Tour’s trackball still would not scroll down! I felt the utter panic setting in! Now what do I do?? I knew that my Tour was just months away from the end of my two year contract with Verizon. Mark and I were looking at new phones but we were not completely sure that we wanted to continue with Verizon.

To be honest, I’m completely happy with my BlackBerry but Mark wants an iPhone or Android because they both have apps that will work with the OnStar system in his car. As for me, I’ve become good friends with my phone. It took a while for me to learn what this phone could do. In fact I was not thrilled about getting it in the first place since I was loving my LG Chocolate.  I am not a big fan of change so this was all new to me. Now I can’t live without my BlackBerry. It’s with me almost all the time. My ringtones are personalized. My profiles are set up just the way I like them. I have games and apps that fit my lifestyle. What was I to do now?

I did what any other crazy women would do! I called my husband to tell him about my sick phone. He suggested taking it to Verizon over the weekend. It was a darn Wednesday! Was he kidding me? Did he really expect me to live without my phone for almost FOUR days? Not happening. He said I could go over to the Verizon store to see if they could fix it or replace it. He reminded me that we didn’t want to sign a new two year contract.

I raced to the Verizon store, cradling my Tour with hopes that the trackball could be fixed or replaced for a nominal fee. I went up to the service desk and there stood a young man, who looked like he was 12 years old. He asked if he could help me.

I told him about the sad little trackball and my home remedies to fix it. He said that the trackballs in the Tour often break. I asked if he could replace it. He said that the Tour’s trackball is not replaceable. Oh no!!! I felt a sick feeling. What would I do now!??! I asked him my options.

He told me that I could:

• Get a Certified Used BlackBerry (for about $100.00)
• Get a brand new Smartphone with a $30 discount for being a loyal customer (with that comes the new two year Verizon contract)
• Use an old phone that we might have at home from a previous contract (he said that our LG Chocolate would work but obviously it would not be a smartphone)

Not too many choices in my opinion. I didn’t want to tell the young man that we might not be renewing our Verizon contract because I was still hoping that he would be able to help me. I told him that we were going to wait to upgrade our contract to see if the iPhone 5 was being released in late summer or early fall. We didn’t want to get the iPhone 4 only to have Apple release the newer version a month or two later. He said that he understood.

He offered to take the phone in the back and try to clean it himself. He said he couldn’t guarantee anything, but it couldn’t hurt to try. While he was cleaning it, I wandered around the store looking at the new phones. All the phones would set me back about $300 each (iPhone, Android, and BlackBerry) and of course, I would need to have two new phones. The other smartphones varied in price, but there were so many that I just lost interest in the whole thing. After all, as soon as I walk out of the store with a new phone, the newer model comes out! And in six months, my “new smartphone” is a dinosaur!

Luckily the young man was able to clean my phone and get the trackball working. I swear I could have hugged and kissed him! I was thrilled to have my phone back!!! He said he couldn’t guarantee how long it would continue working, but for now it was good to go!! I was quite appreciative! More than he could have ever known!

So tell me, how did I get so addicted to this phone? How is it that I feel completely and totally LOST without it? It’s kind of a sick obsession, don’t you think? So I called Mark from the parking lot and told him ALL about the BlackBerry saga. He said if my phone should get sick again and it can’t be fixed, he would give me his BlackBerry, and he would go back to the LG Chocolate until we decided what we wanted to do in terms of new phones and/or a new carrier. I have a wonderful husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Has Technology killed the Human Touch?

Let me preface this by saying that I am all for technology! I can proudly admit that I am addicted to my Blackberry and when it’s not close by, a wave of utter panic overwhelms me! I spend more time on Facebook than I care to admit! I keep in touch with my friends and family mainly through email, text, and yes, Facebook!

I’m not much into calling people or talking on the phone. It’s not like I don’t enjoy a long conversation with a friend, but life gets so crazy and schedules don’t mesh. A text or email is so much easier and less intrusive!

Yet even as a Techno fan, I have found that the times have dramatically changed, and I must admit that I find it all a little disheartening.

I celebrated by birthday last month. It was not a milestone such as 40, 50, or even 60, but it is MY personal special day that I celebrate once a year!

On my special day, I realized that technology has stolen the human touch from our lives. While on Facebook the night of my birthday, I spent a good 40 minutes responding individually to each birthday wish that I received from my Facebook friends. Many of the wishes were from high school friends (who I have not seen in 30 years) and Farmville neighbors. Of course I had messages from friends, co-workers, and family. Not so much family though. My guess is that they have a life and didn’t go on Facebook to realize that it was my birthday (or they didn’t care that it was my birthday).

Upon taking an inventory of the birthday greeting cards I received, only TWO were real “go to the store and choose a card” type. One was from my mid-80′s aunt who has never missed my birthday or wedding anniversary in my 48 years in this world. The other card was from my dear husband. Pretty sad, huh? And we wonder why the Post Office is running in a deficit!

Here’s the rundown on how the wishes were received:

• Two physical “hold in your hand” greeting cards,
• Three ecards,
• Five text messages – including one from my brother,
• Three short birthday emails, and
• 205 Facebook messages!

I did receive two birthday phone calls… One was from my darling 84 year old mother-in-law and the other call was from All Star Mitsubishi (although it was recorded, I still HAD to count it!)

So what’s my point here since I am such a huge techno fan? I guess it was a lesson learned. I need to be more social. I need to pick up the phone and actually TALK to my friends and family. I need to write a letter, stick it in an envelope and mail it, and I need to visit a Hallmark store to see what kind of cards are out there. That is assuming I can find a Hallmark store among the Best Buys, Verizon Wireless kiosks, Apple stores, and Internet cafes!

Happy New Year!

Wishing you health, peace, and happiness this New Year! Mostly I wish you all good health because that is the most important thing!

Blizzards, Snow Days, and Shoveling… Oh My!

When I was young, I loved the snow. My brother and I would wake up throughout the night to check outside to see if the predicted snow had arrived. When a large snowstorm was predicted, we could barely sleep because we knew it would mean a “snow day”!

We’d listen to WCTC AM Radio in the mornings to wait for the announcement that our school was closed. Our township started with an “E” so if we caught the announcements from the beginning, we did not have to wait very long to know if we could go outside to enjoy the glorious snow…. Or if… we had to get ready to catch the bus to school.

If we didn’t catch the announcements from the beginning, and we caught the list after “E” it was a long, agonizing wait until we knew our fate for the day! Oh how horrible it was to hear that all the neighboring towns had a day off, but our town had to go to school. Oh, the horror of that!!!

Some days we had a “delayed opening”. While that was better than a full day of school, it still meant that we couldn’t enjoy the snow! It was a limbo kind of day. School started late, but not late enough to go outside and play. In all honesty, I never quite understood the concept of delayed opening. Many of the kids did not come to school, and those that did really never did any school work. Everyone talked about the snow, wanted to be outside in the snow, and couldn’t wait to go home to play in the snow. The classes were short, many teachers were absent, and in their place was a substitute who did not have a clue! What a waste of a perfectly good snow day!!

Oh how we loved everything about the snow. We’d build snowmen by rolling huge balls of snow. My dad had to help us lift the snowballs to put them in place to make the snowman. We’d put a hat, scarf, and buttons on Mr. Snowman. We’d use sticks or branches to make arms. We’d find a large rock to use for his nose, and if we were really lucky, mom would give us a carrot to use for his nose! We cherished our snowmen for the “Snow Day Trophy” that he was

The snow plow would come down the street and plow all the snow up against the curb. My dad would shovel out the driveway, piling the shoveled snow into huge mounds on the sides of the driveway. He would then dig out the inside of the mounds to form snow forts. Dad would pour water on the outside so that it was “ice up”. It wasn’t until years later that I understood why he did that! (He didn’t want it to collapse on us while we were playing!)

We had snowball fights with our friends on our street. Our street had a slight incline making it simply perfect for sledding and “boot skiing” (we’d run down the street and then “slide on the slushy, icy mix). We’d use cardboard squares in place of a sled, and we would zip down the street!

Eventually the street would “blacktop” again once all the snow melted, and we’d lose our ski run, but by the time that happened, we sure did have a few great hours of fun!

We would play hide and seek outside in the freezing cold, and run around like crazy kids! The cold air was invigorating, the snow made it all so fun!

My back yard after 2+ feet of snow fell

Now, nearly 40 years later, I look back fondly at the love that I had for snow, but I no longer see the fun in it!!

• Broken shovels
• Mounds of snow everywhere
• A snow plow that comes along AFTER you just finished getting rid of the mound of ice and packed snow that they left in the wake of their prior drive by
• Rock salt caked on your car – eating your paint with each passing minute
• Ice patches (especially black ice that you think is just “melted snow”)
• Accidents, treacherous roads, spin outs, and unplowed streets
• Traffic jams and reduced speed limits.

As an adult, I sadly admit that the fun and excitement of a huge snow storm is long gone. Now I find a blizzard to be a source of great irritation, high anxiety, and severe stress. A Snow Day is no longer of day of building snowmen and having snowball fights. Now it is a day of shoveling the driveway, making a path for the mailman, melting ice off the car, and hoping that branches and power lines don’t come down from the weight of the snow. It may be a paid day off from work, but I have to wonder which is better: eight hours in an office or four hours shoveling snow?

Oh how I miss the innocence of childhood when snow was a good thing that brought happiness and joy!

My (not-so-politically correct) Merry Christmas Wish!

The festive season is upon us once again! I’d like to take a moment to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas!!!!

I’m not going to be “politically correct” by wishing you all “Happy Holidays!” I know this may bring out the protesters who are offended because they do not celebrate Christmas, or any holiday at all, for that matter.

But Wait!!!

Before you start bashing me for my “Merry Christmas” wish, let me tell you something about myself. I was raised Jewish, and I celebrated Chanukah and Passover. I went to Hebrew School, my Sabbath was on Saturday, I did not believe in Jesus Christ as Our Savior, and my holidays were Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Purim. Most of my friends were not of the Jewish faith, so I was familiar with the holidays of Christmas and Easter, and I certainly did not live in a bubble of Judaism!

I’ve often felt “different” from my friends because of my religion. I did not have a Christmas tree; instead my family lit a Menorah. I didn’t wear a new Easter outfit and have Easter egg hunts. I ate Matzoh for a week and hunted for the Afikomen during our Passover Seder.

I was fine with my own beliefs, and no one, not friends, teachers, neighbors, or the media made me feel bad for what I believed in. I accepted that most of the population was of Christian faith and my beliefs were in the minority. I accepted my religious differences and embraced the traditions of other religions.

I’ve been wished a “Merry Christmas” more times than I could ever count. Unless I was in Synagogue or with family, I was not wished “Happy Chanukah”. It never bothered me in the least. I was never offended. I enjoyed the differences among people.

That brings me to present day. After marrying (and ultimately divorcing) a (non-practicing) Catholic who tried to find “God” in a variety of churches (even though he was violating one of the Ten Commandments – you can guess which one if you choose…) and then marrying a Spiritual man (whose family is Baptist), I no longer consider myself Jewish. With that being said, I STILL don’t like all this “political correctness”! To me, it takes away from the special beliefs of the people in this world. Based on the fact that most of the population is Christian, why take offense to a “Merry Christmas” greeting? Had I done that, I would have spent most of my life being offended.

I was raised Jewish, but that doesn’t mean that someone can’t wish me a “Merry Christmas”. It’s the thought of the greeting that is important. I don’t feel that someone is trying to push religion on me or force me to change my own beliefs. It’s a festive time of year, and it is merely a person passing along greetings of the season. A person should be able to express a greeting with goodness in his heart and not fear retaliation from someone whose faith doesn’t share in the joy being wished upon him.

So the bottom line is, who are these people that are offended when other people wish them “good will”? It must be the same people who complained about the Public Schools having a “Christmas vacation” so it is now known as Winter Break. Due to complaints our public schools no longer have Easter Break either; instead it is now Spring Recess. Halloween and Valentine’s Day parties are now just a memory to those of us who grew up when differences in religion and culture were accepted.

Can I rant now? (She climbs onto her soap box….)

Retail stores now push holiday sales, holiday hours, holiday parties with the emphasis on HOLIDAY. What about those people who do not celebrate holidays of any kind? The Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays or holidays. Wouldn’t a “holiday sale” offend them? What about the Federal holidays that honor Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Martin Luther King? Couldn’t those FEDERAL holidays offend the religious beliefs of the Jehovah’s Witnesses?

And what about New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Chinese people be offended because they have the Chinese New Year? And Jewish people should be offended too because the government is not closed for Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year).

Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day are special days that honor the men and women who fought for our country. I’m extremely grateful for these special people who gave their life so that I can have my freedom in a country that I love. However, couldn’t people who are not Veterans complain that there is no special day honoring them?

If the Government is closed on these Federal holidays, there should be a lot of complaints because they do not close for (or recognize) such special days as Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Chinese New Year, Eid ul-Fitr (which marks the end of Ramadan), and countless other days that are special to various religions and faiths.

I have to wonder if people just look for reasons to take offense so that they can whine and complain about it. Is it such a big deal to be wished, “Merry Christmas” if you do not celebrate it? I would say NO! If I was wished a “Happy Kwanzaa”, I would say…

Thank you, and the same to you!

With all of the horrible things that happen in this world every day… murder, rape, corruption, disease, famine, poverty… is “Merry Christmas” really such a big deal?

Yet if you want to whine about things, I say go for it!! It’s your right because The First Amendment entitles us to “Freedom of Speech” and” Free Exercise of Religion”.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Let’s exercise our First Amendment rights by voicing our concerns about things that really matter. I just don’t understand how a two-word phrase like “Merry Christmas” has caused such unrest in this country. Let’s use our voice to fight for things that really make a difference. Speak up about world hunger and homelessness! Be a spokesperson for cancer research, ending illiteracy, saving our planet, and promoting world peace! Be an advocate for homeless pets!

Stop the whining about being wished a “Merry Christmas”….and use your voice for something good! Christmas is only one day of the year. Good will can last a lifetime.

(stepping off my soapbox…)

Oh, and Merry Christmas to you!

Sitting “On the Fence” but Hope Springs Eternal!

Sometimes I waver back and forth on a certain topic. It’s not because I can’t make up my mind or form a decision and/or opinion. It’s just that I see both sides. I think it’s called being on the fence.

idiom:

on the fence (Informal)

1. Undecided as to which of two sides to support; uncommitted or neutral.

My brother-in-law (let’s call him “John”) has been in and out of prison many times over the past 25+ years. He is not a murderer or a rapist. His convictions are due to drug possession (with intent to distribute?). John has an addiction. I’m not sure what drugs he does, but my best guess is cocaine.

None of his family visits him while he is incarcerated. He goes for years without seeing his parents, his brother, his kids, or his grandchildren. He does call his parents about once a week, and they talk to him for a little while each time. Sometimes when we are visiting my in-laws, he will speak with my husband (who is his younger brother), and sometimes he will speak to me. I don’t know him as a person. I’ve never spent any time with him when he was not high. Our phone conversations are forced. He mainly talks to me about his brother’s health.

He was recently released from prison about a week ago. He was in prison for over 2.5 years – this time. We didn’t even know he was out on parole. My In-Laws didn’t call us, and we didn’t learn of his release until we called them this past weekend. I guess that my In-Laws didn’t tell us about his release because he was high when he arrived home. How sad that John was not able to stay straight for even 24 hours before he felt the need to get high. He was clean and sober for the 2.5 years he was in prison, and as soon as he got out, the need to get high took over.

I have never been exposed to drug addiction (or alcoholism). No one in my family or circle of friends suffers from it, so this is a new thing to me. I’ve got mixed feelings about it, and I find it frustrating and sad at the same time.

Each time John is due to be released, I always have hope that he will stay clean. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one in the family who still feels this way. Everyone else KNOWS he won’t (or can’t) stay clean.

The whole situation has me torn in two different ways. I feel for John, and it makes me sad that he has such a desperate need to get high.

At 51+ years old, John does not have:

• gainful employment (and never has except for a few fast food jobs here and there)
• an education past the eighth grade
• a driver’s license (and certainly no money to purchase a car even if he did)
• health care (except what he gets from the state)
• assets, bank accounts, or real identification
• a place to live (except with his aging parents who will not be around forever to care for him)
• responsibilities such as bills, chores, etc.

I wonder about him, and what kind of future he will have? What will he do and where will he live after my In-Laws pass away? One of his daughters has already made it perfectly clear that she will not help him or allow him to live with her. The other daughter can barely live on her own, and she relies mainly on the aid that the state gives her to support herself (and her kids). Mark has already made it clear that John is not his responsibility, and that he will not care for someone he hardly knows.

As much as I feel for John, I also find it frustrating that he continues to be in this situation over and over. When he is incarcerated, he swears to us that he has changed, and this time he will stay clean and be a responsible adult.

“It’s going to be different this time!”

He’s been given so many chances and opportunities in life, but he fails to take advantage of any of them. While he has been in prison he has been offered:

• counseling (which he refuses – unless it is mandatory)
• a free education (he can get his GED and college classes in prison, but he says “it’s too hard”)
• drug rehabilitation (which even though he’s done the program, he still gets out and gets high)
• employment services and training (which he does not utilize)
• help with housing (but he chooses to live rent free with his parents)

Instead, he just does his time, and when it is time to be a free man, he finds his old “drug buddies”, and he gets high. A few months will pass, and he will get arrested, and the cycle will start all over again.

Drug addiction is a horrible thing. It’s horrible for all of the people who are close to John. I’ve heard stories about fights which include intense yelling and screaming – and one day every one fears it will erupt into a violent physical fight. I’ve heard that the family ignores him for the most part because that is easier than trying to deal with him. He is rarely ever home although no one knows where he goes or who he goes to see. No one expects anything from him, and that is exactly what they get.

I was surprised that John did not call Mark when he got home. I thought that he would have called to see how Mark was feeling, and that they would really talk and bond like they haven’t done since they were kids. Mark was not the least bit upset that John didn’t call, nor was he surprised. He told me that John didn’t call him because inside he was ashamed for getting back on the drugs.

I’m not sure how all of this makes me feel. I get angry at John for his inability to stay “clean and sober”, yet I realize that this is an illness that he does not have the strength to beat. It frustrates me that John causes such unrest in the house, and that his aging parents have to deal with him. He has virtually no part in the life of his kids (or grandkids), and they suffer because they do not have an available father (and grandfather).

I often wonder if he would clean up his act if everyone did not “enable” his addiction. What if his parents did not allow him to come home each time he was released? What if no one gave him spending money? What if he was forced to live in a homeless shelter? Or (Heaven forbid) get a job? What if he was not invited into family functions if he was on drugs?

I’m not convinced that things would be different. I think John would still do drugs. He would not work a job, instead, he would just hustle on the streets. He doesn’t have close relationships with his family, so I am not sure that he would miss it.

I don’t know what his future holds. It doesn’t seem very bright. In fact, it seems rather tragic and depressing.

Of course, the eternal optimist in me believes that people CAN change if they want to do so. Hope springs eternal!!!